The feelings were complex and varied and I fail to put them all into words. The only component I can really name (of the fear I am experiencing) is a real understanding that I am going to die. I remember standing in the kitchen one day and just being punched in the gut by the reality that one day I would be gone, and even worse, one day my most precious would be gone (my daughter).
That the spoon I was using to stir in the pot would be here, but I would be a mere echo. That this little existence I have of raising a family is a drop in an ocean of all who have lived before and all that will live after me. That was a temporary paralysis. I was on to business as usual.
And then the emotions caught back up with me around the holidays. I started pondering what I can only decribe as “the meaning of life.” I was born and all the fibers in my body have one purpose, to keep me alive. But no matter how hard my body labors, time will run out. I may be murdered, I may be in a fatal car crash, I may contract a deadly disease or I may just keep ticking long enough to see my grandchildren at my 80th birthday party? I started seeing death everywhere thinking about death all the time. I would see the Chysler building on TV and realize that everyone who had seen it built is gone now. Then I was shaken by idea of not being with my daughter forever and ever. Not seeing the events after my time had passed
I knew then that my time is now. But what does that mean? It is not my fault I was born. Why was I born? So I could have another child who would die? Who then would have another child would die? My little quiet existence of a daily routine was interrupted. I knew I wasn't living. I was breathing, I was eating, sleeping, doing things, but not living. Not living as though someday my chance at life would expire.
Today as I write this, I am (at what I hope is) my first step in a dramatically more mature life. A life that doesn't waste itself. A life that expresses gratitute that it really is a gift. That I came to being for a reason and not just to clean dishes, go grocery shopping, watch mindless television and worrying about things that don't matter.
Because my life is a gift, it's not really mine. If I keep it to myself, it's empty. I need to spend my life doing things that help others, being a good example, letting my light shine and becoming aware of the things that bring on a spiritual death.
I am no longer satisfied with just going through the motions of life. Something woke me up. I suspect God, a bad dream sent by God, I can only speculate.
A few things have brought meaning to the despair I was having. Most important, is Jim Rigby. He is the pastor of the church I attend. I was introduced last week to the idea that sin is the opposite of life. Meaning that what is called “sin” in the Bible is what keeps us from living. When I say living, I mean wholeness and joy. When sin is described in the bible it is not to shame us but to offer us a better way. If you look at all the problems around the world, there is someone that is trying to kill because they are influenced by a sinful impluse. Their impulses are powerful enough to not only ruin their own lives but ruin others lives as collateral damage. They kill themselves and then pass on the death to their victims. I am not talking about murder. I am talking about death of the spirit, in other words, despair, the absence of peace and freedom. The example that comes to mind is slavery. All over the world there are people who are forced into work that dehumanizes them and makes it nearly impossible to have a life that brings any fulfilment. It is possible that they could find happiness in their captive world, but joy is practically forbidden. They are oppressed as to keep them under control and thus trying to strive for any nourishment of the soul is practically futile.
I guess that's why it grieves us so much to see our soldiers die and for people to be treated so inhumanely all over the world. Because we know that life is precious and that we were not meant to be born to live or lives oppressed by sin and the reprecussions of the sins of others. That God wants us to treat each other with compassion not only to build the lives of others but to have Life ourselves.
I have been watching a series called the Seven Deadly Sins and it covers all the bad habits we all seem to encounter on this old ball of dust. Growning up, my idea of sin was that it was something that I should pay for by feeling really bad about myself. Pastor Rigby offered another idea. I hope I am not misinterpeting him, but either way, I found a truism for myself. Feeling bad about myself is not solving any problems. It's not working as a deterrent. I am finding that choosing to live deters me from sin better than any inner toungue lashings I may dish out.
Choosing to be grateful rather than envious or greedy
Choosing to feel connected with my fellow man rather than be spiteful
Choosing to do something productive rather than spend hours being “bored”
Choosing to give rather than horde.
Choosing to smile rather than look away.
Choosing to think of others rather than be concerned with what they think of me
Choosing to look at Christianity as a challenge rather than a struggle
Choosing to look at life as a challenge rather than a struggle
Choosing to look at Life as a opportunity rather than an obligation
Choosing to look at not being with my child forever is not the end, but the beginning of what could be a glorious legacy.
And so on... I could go on, maybe later.
So, upon coming to St Andrews again (I am on and off because I live so far away) I came looking for the meaning of life (not that there is only one meaning) and tears were in my eyes after todays lesson
Key points:
I can't make sense of life in my own terms
A life not given (shared, I am not referring to dying for someone) is a life wasted
Character leads to happiness
I am filled with inspiration as I enter this third decade of my life. I can choose to stop just living and to start LIVING. There is no honor in self-pity. There is no honor in just surviving. There is no LIFE in just surviving. I have been given so much. I have what I need inside of me to be better and to be powerful. I have the support of a compassionate Church. I have husband and a family that loves me. I have been blessed financially to be able to make all my bills and eat three times a day. What am I going to do with all this if I don't start living as though it will all be gone someday?
